Friday, 28 September 2012

lifelong habits, not goals

Sometimes it is so hard to know what the right path is. I can't help but feel I need to stop worrying about what the future holds and just settle down into life. I need to put effort into my chosen career and be enthusiastic and passionate about what I do. And it is a great career; I am fascinated by the field and its complexities. However I do wonder about what might have been had I made a different choice, and what my next step will be. I have always looked ahead to the future; sometimes too far ahead. I think this is the perfectionist in me; the belief that there is something for me that is 100% perfect and 100% right.

I wish I gave myself over to my hobbies and interests, particularly at a young age. That was my time to experiment with different ideas but with relatively low risk should I make an error. I wish I had the courage to stand out from the crowd rather than blend in. I wish I wasn't afraid to voice my opinions. I wish what people thought of me didn't dictate my actions. I wish I believed in myself enough to try difficult things and to believe that I would not be mediocre.

So today I need to press the "reset" button. I will not seek out novelty or change for the sake of change. I will commit to my current circumstances, though they may not be 100%, 100% of the time. I will not look forward too far ahead when I can look at this present day and be grateful. I will work hard and go to bed exhausted every night from the effort that I put in to make this life work.

I have sometimes felt that the only hope for me to contribute to this world is to be a good mum to my future children. To make sure my children do not make the mistakes I have made. I need to move on from this view and invest in myself. I just wish I were not full of self-doubt. But I must try.

I will study and really learn the material. Not just for the sake of passing an exam, but for the sake of my professional self.
I will exercise daily. I will eat right. I know what is required and now I just need to put my thoughts into action.
I will take time to connect with people I love. I will maintain friendships. I will be selfless and kind more often.
I will take pride in my home.
I will have a creative outlet in sewing and make some garments that I can be proud of.
I will get a job that is related to my field of study. I will contribute financially to the household.

When I posted my 30 by 30 challenge I listed a bunch of items that I wanted to achieve in the next six months. Things that I could tick off a list. And looking back at this list is seems a little trivial. These goals are a little different. These are not goals as such but habits that I need to form to have a life I can be proud of. While I will work on both lists, achieving my 30 by 30 goals will give me something to gloat about, achieving the ones listed above will bring me the most pride. Wish me luck.

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